“What would you say that flap of skin is?” The gray-haired doctor said to his assisting nurse staring at my naked body. “Well, that’s definitely his testicles.” she replied pointing. “Very good, dear.” He smiled.
Today I went to the doctors for the first time in 7 years.
There was a period of my life when I didn’t have health insurance. And that period sucked. I gave up skateboarding, throwing myself into dangerous situations for the satisfaction of my friends laughter and I guess…grew up…at least a little bit.
Going through my health benefits at work during this years open enrollment it dawned on me “I pay a lot for this shit! I am going to use it!” Not that I am complaining as I knock on wood typing this. It is a blessing I have not had to use any of it but what’s the harm in a little preventative care? Over the last few weeks I have been to the optometrist, general physician, chiropractor, dentist and dermatologist.
Last week I thought it would be a good idea to head to the optometrist before heading to my physical. Seemed like a good idea and all the scheduling lined up. The only thing I had not factored was they were going to dilate my eyes and that last about 5 hours. For anyone who hasn’t had there eyes dilated or forgot what its like I will fill you in. They put some sort of chemical in your eyes, it may burn, it may not, and then like a snap of the fingers you can’t see clearly anymore. I wasn’t able to see the watch on my wrist…and I had ridden my bike. Luckily the doctor told me I still have 20/20 vision, unluckily I had to ride my bike…on Santa Monica Blvd…to my physical…half blind…good thing I have a helmet.
Arriving to what I believe to be my next doctors appointment I roam around the outside of a building complex trying to read the directory signs. I even asked Siri if she could read for me. She told me she could not very matter-of-factly. Bitch. I called the office and asked for directions and the receptionist seemed very confused with what I was asking. “Are you the tall skinny man standing out front of the office window with a bike helmet on?” She said as she could see me outside wondering around. She then told me to “Just walk in.” I nodded my head sarcastically, walked into the glass door to the office before an elderly patient woman opened it for me. “Bless you.” She said taking pity on me as I took a seat in the sun-filled waiting room.
“You’ll need to fill this out before we can see you.” said the receptionist handing me what I think was a clipboard and some sort of medical-legal papers. “Sure!” I said and continued to pick up the pen attached to the clipboard. I can only imagine the look on her face when I handed her the forms back with nothing but scribbles. I think I even tried to draw a pirate from memory on a signature line.
A few moments later I hear “Mr. Bates? Please come on back.” I picked myself up and made my way to the back. Or at lease I’d hope so. “Okay Mr. Bates. Please remove your clothes and the doctor will be right in.” The careless assisting nurse said closing the door as I muttered “ALL my clothes?” She responded from the other side of the door with “ALL YOUR CLOTHES, BABY!” I can’t be sure but I feel like I heard a faint laugh dissipate down the hallway away from my room as she said it.
The doctor came in shortly after and we made small talk before he told me to stand up and cough…