"Man. Fuck this bitch." I said to myself getting cut off in line at the super market.
It's Friday and I am on my bike ride home from work. After a weeks worth of dealing with the American Public it's only right that I stop at the super market to grab some nice beer. An hour from now I will be sitting in the backyard staring at the raise garden I assembled basking in the sun as it turns to dusk. Perfect way to launch into the weekend if you ask me.
(SIDE-NOTE: I don't know if I will ever get use to being able to walk into any supermarket in California and be able to purchase beer, wine, or booze. It's like Christmas ever time I walk into a store. Like I forget and am surprised...again. This makes food shopping, preparing a dinner party, or entertaining so much easier without having to go to multiple locations or the "state store" to get alcohol. That's right my friends...in Pennsylvania we have to go to multiple locations to get booze, 6-packs, and cases...I know, I know...it's insanity.)
Perusing the beer garden at my local super market I see a ton of great deals and want to choose carefully. This is a big decision. As I am standing looking at the variety in front of me I hear a "Uhhhhh." Followed by a deep sarcastic valley girl sigh "Like, excuse me!" Followed by another scoff. A woman pushes me out of the way and grabs her bottle of wine. I couldn't believe how rude she was but I brush it off, pick up a 12 pack variety of local craft beer and make my way to the register. The line is out the door, which isn't a total surprise. "Who cares that the market decided to have one line open to ring out the entire city of Los Angeles?" I think to myself "Just relax, in a little bit you'll be home."
I feel a tap on my shoulder and it's Curtis. (What? You don't know your market employees by name?) "Hey man, good to see you, head to 3 I'm about to open it up." He whispers and scampers off. Man, I love this guy. I turn and make a run for his line as he hits the switch to the light up the 3 indicating he is open. This is great, one item, he'll ring me out in two seconds and I am on my way home. As I turn to greet Curtis ZOOM! A blonde haired, mid 40's, LA snob-devil-she-bitch cuts me off in sporty hiking gear...with a full cart. The same woman who pushed me earlier. Her stupid blonde ponytail poking out the back of her Nike golf hat she obviously took from her pitch-n-putt husband...he is probably a "producer." Ew. What makes it worst is that she knew, she knew what she was doing, she knew she cut me off. We locked eyes and the world froze as our surroundings dimmed black and for a second it was just her and I. She shot me the "FUCK YOU! I CUT YOU OFF AND YOU SUCK! BY THE WAY FUCK YOUR BEER!" look. We all know this look right? This isn't over yet.
The devil-monster places her gluten-free, California locally grown, organic-soy based, animal cruelty free or whatever the hell hippie products on the counter. The last thing she puts down is a fresh Italian loaf of bread from the store's bakery. I haven't said anything yet and although this has been a tragic turn of events I know I'll get her somehow. Curtis shot me a look of concern. I nod in approval. One final shrug as he silently mouths "Sorry, bro!" and starts to ring up this devils order. As I see her cart full of items jolting towards Curtis on the conveyer belt every market has I take a glance at the fresh italian loaf a bread. Maybe she is making a pasta tonight? Maybe it'll be nice for her devil family...so cute. Welp. Too Bad. Does anyone remember what I am holding...oh yes, a 12 pack of beer. Then it hits me "Man. Fuck this bitches bread." As her last few items were being rung up I make my move. She didn't see it coming. I drop my case of brew on top of this fresh bakery bread flattening it to a fresh bakery pancake. What is she going to do now?
"Hey, my bread!" she yells. Curtis shoots me a look and shakes his head with a smirk. I pretend not to notice she is yelling in my general direction and grab one of the trash magazines the market strategically places in all the lines. "Wow. Curtis did you see Kim and Kanye's wedding photos?" I nonchalantly mention to Curtis paying no mind to the devil-monster yelling and flailing her arms in front of me. Did I mention I am also still wearing my bike helmet during all of this? "Lady! Your holding everyone up!" Someone screeches from the line that quickly formed behind me. "Ma'am would you like to get another one?" Curtis trails off. "I already rung it up and we do have a line." He finishes as I add "Yeah! We do have a line!" I could see the devil fire growing in her eyes and the sweat forming on her brow as she stood fist clenched. I add "Well?" In the most sarcastic-dickhead voice I could muster. "Lady! Move!" Someone else yells from behind me. Frozen for a second and fuming she reaches into her bag pulling out a credit card, swipes to pay and starts to bag her items.
Curtis rings up my only item, I peel the bread off my beer and squeeze my way past her while she is still bagging. "Night Curtis! Thanks man!" I say and exit.
Riding home with a 12 pack in your beach cruiser basket knowing you have nothing but brews and gardening in front of you makes forgetting about that devil-monster-she-bitch all the easier. When out in public...please use your manners. And remember if you are going to be awful...someone might drop a 12 pack on your bread.
I hope you all have a fantastically relaxing weekend!