"Get the fuck out of the road you jerk off!" - Someone.

Something weird happened over the last few weeks. For whatever reason, I happened to be in the right place at the right time when someone (or something) needed help.

I do not consider myself an activist at all. I do not go out of my way to find animals to save; I am not a vegetarian (I did a short stint of that a few years ago, but bacon is just too damn good), I do not volunteer anywhere (even though I probably should). I am just a dude who felt compelled to take action when it seems like nobody else would.

I was on a recent stay-cation and made it my mission to do as little as possible. Which, if you know anything about me is something I am not great at. Ask Jamie; she hates that I can not just sit on the couch and relax. On this particular day, I had gotten up, finished cleaning the whole house including laundry, dusting, Swiffering, and reorganizing things for no reason except sheer boredom. What did I decide to do? Go to Target. That's what new homeowners do when they are bored right? Just wonder around Target smelling candles, staring at how many different types of trash cans there are, and buying the most useless shit you can find, right?

I was driving down the road in my obnoxiously large Ford Expedition when I noticed something stranded in the middle of my lane. I thought nothing of it, but as I got closer, it seemed to be moving on its own, and right before I almost ran it over I noticed it was a small box turtle trying to cross a four-lane highway out front of Target. I have no idea how it survived getting that far. He was already almost half across. I swerved so I would not run him over and pulled over. I thought for a moment what I could do since cars were doing 60mph past me on the side of the road and narrowly missing my stranded green little buddy. What did I do? The only logical thing. I used my obnoxiously large Ford Expedition to block traffic, pulling out sideways onto the highway, threw my flashers on and jumped out to save this little turtle. My mother and Jamie would be horrified.

I picked the little guy up (he was petrified at this point, all limbs tucked away in his shell), jumped a guard rail and set him down safely on the other side of the road...all while everyone yelled every obscenity they could muster.

Why did the turtle cross the road? I have no friggin' idea, but I am glad I was there to help him out.

-YourFriendMatt