"I am not saying it was you, but someone spent $100 on condoms, stool softener and nail polish at Walgreens Mr. Bates." - Bank Customer Service.

I am a victim of fraudulent charges...for the second time in my life. I am told it happens to the best of us. Whoever said that is a dickhead though. Fraud blows. The last time this happened the bank froze my account and we set up a covert operation. I had to call from a specific number when I was at a local ATM. They could then unfreeze my account for 90 seconds so I could get some money to last me until they sent me a new card. I felt like a secret agent. Like we are about to sneak into a Swiss bank account and take them for everything they got. Then I looked at my bank statement and reality set back in.

I currently have no access to my money and I can't say that my customer service has been that stellar either. When they say they work banker's hours they weren't kidding. I wish I worked Monday through Friday 9-5. Conveniently, my fraud happened on a weekend, but don't worry, they will be working on getting my money back in a few business days...starting Monday. “Do you have any checks that you can use until we get you your new card?” My banks customer service agent asks over the phone. “Are you kidding me? It’s 2015. Who the hell even knows how to write a check? Can we just expedite me a new card and we can be done with this?” I reply. “Yes, Mr. Bates, for an additional $15 we can expedite the card and you should have it sometime early next week.” I am stunned. Yep. That sounds about right. Sure, why not. Let's do that.

Honestly though, after I got over the shock and anger of this situation, it has not been that bad. As I am currently write this I have a $1 bill in my pocket, which Jamie gave me, and have been coming up with inventive ways to pays for things. I say we bring back the bartering days. "I don't know, what do you say? I give you this nice pen in exchange for that bag of chips?" But I don't think that guy at 7-11 was amused by my offer. Apps have really helped. The Starbucks App has been great. I reload my gold card with them using my PayPal account so I have been living off a healthy diet of vanilla coffee and scones. Did you know they have a new Mini Frappuccino? What will they come up with next?

Anyone else ever go through this?