Don’t let her adorable demeanor fool you. She is a nightmare.

Recently I came home to this 2 pound fluff ball staring at me. Yes, seriously, 2 pounds. She is the size of a Beanie Baby. I had a feeling we were getting another dog, and I was right. Jamie had been dropping hints and sending me puppy photos. I guess I should have paid more attention. After opening up a Instagram “name our dog” post, we decided to name this new addition, Penelope. For the first few days she was docile and we didn’t even know if she could bark. That quickly wore off and now she is proficient in jumping from our couch to our bed to the floor repeatedly until she passes out…but only for a minute or two and then its back racing in circles like the Indy 500 around our place. Did I mention she found her bark and let’s us know exactly where she is at every moment?

We are on full puppy training mode and I forgot how exhausting it can be. We have our other dog, Piper, effectively trained. She knows our sleep schedule and that barking will not be tolerated when the sun goes down. She has stopped begging at the table when we eat and understand that all poop belongs outside. Penelope on the other hand, is a shit machine doesn't understand, yet, that we need her to do that outside.

-YourFriendMatt

"Man, it's like she is doing this to mess with us." I say with a sigh of depression.

House training a dog is not an easy task. Jamie and I have recently adopted a dog named Piper. She is 9 months old, weighs 6 pounds and her previous owner through her out of a moving car which left her with a broken jaw that she will more than likely never be able to close. Relax, she can eat and drink, everyone calm down, that is usually the first question we get. She kind of uses her tongue to flick water and food pellets into her mouth leaving our kitchen floor a drool ridden, gooey danger zone. This only adds to her adorable-ness (think I just made that word up) needless to say we have done our fair share of coddling, hugging, and saying ridiculous things you would say to a baby in a high pitch voice. Piper is well taken care of. The cuteness is wearing off now though.

Piper is alone longer during the day when Jamie and I are both at work and no accidents. None. Completely fine. For whatever reason she can't last the 7-8 hours we try and sleep. We walk here right before we go to bed, take away her water to try to get all the pee out of her so we can sleep. It's like fucking clock-work. Every morning there is bound to be a shot glass spill worth of Piper piss on the floor somewhere. Rub her nose in it? Check. Crate her? Check. Use stern voice? Check. And finally my fucking favorite...Puppy Pads? Check...and she laughs at them. These things are the biggest snake oil, joke-waste of money I have ever seen. I swear she pee's around them to mess with us. Perfectly around them.

When we first moved in at our Santa Monica abode we didn't think the concrete floors would be very homey or welcoming. Now they are a damn godsend. If we had carpets this place would smell absolutely awful. How? How is the damn world do you train a puppy? I did it once before with Scoob (my 17 year old dog living with my father in Pennsylvania). Why can't I get this dog trained?! Anyone? Bueller?

Penelope...

Piper the Pisser...