Not a normal day...

I was in 9th grade. Summer had ended, and I was officially in high school. I remember thinking how cool it was that I got to wear “normal clothes” to school. I just graduated 8th grade and had to wear a uniform for years to a Catholic school. I was ecstatic to wear a Blink 182 t-shirt, jeans and hang out with my friends in the halls. From an early age, I was always trying to bend rules, not break them, just bend them a little. I would always figure out some loophole in scheduling that would allow me to get three art classes, or a befriend the school secretary so she could help me figure out ways to get our of school early, legally. I was always the one who talked everyone’s parents out of grounding us for whatever pathetically stupid thing we did, like run down the street naked or allow five 16-year-old boys to embark on their first cross-country DIY tours having just secured their licenses days prior or blow up a small refrigerator in our local park with quarter sticks of dynamite. Whatever happened, I was usually the one who got us out of it.

I just got to school, and everyone was filing into their classes. My friends and I were hungry, and the vending machine in the cafeteria was always stocked with Big Texas cinnamon rolls and Iced Tea. It was the perfect mix of sugar and carbs that any young body needs to power through the day. The only problem was you couldn’t access the cafeteria until lunch; the entrances were chained and dead bolted. Luckily, I was only about 80 pounds in 9th grade and could squeeze through the crack in the door to get our breakfast, regardless of chained doors. With the chaos of everyone running to try to get to class on time, this was my chance. I made my way through the halls, to the open forum and to the side door of the cafeteria that no one paid attention too. I squeezed through the doors with ease and found my way to the vending machines. Being 80 pounds, it was also easy for me to get my arm all the way through the vending machine door to get however many Big Texas’ and Iced Teas we needed. I am a man of the people. This was when the school alarms started going off. 

I ripped my arm from the vending machine and ran to class, dropping and spilling my contraband as I made my way through the halls. Everyone was still milling around by the time I got there to my classroom, and I found my way to my desk; no one seemed to notice. I remember when the alarm finally turned off and my teacher looked concerned, not sad, not upset. She had a heightened sense of awareness. Another teacher darted into our class and asked to speak to her for a minute in the hallway. I didn’t know if I was in trouble or what was going to happen. When she came back in everyone knew we had to pay attention. I knew that they weren’t looking for me. They didn’t care how many iced teas I had. It was as if we all snapped out of our adolescents for a minute. Sort of a loss of innocence. We were all together regardless of maturity, age, sex or race. Something was not right. She explained that some bombing or explosion had happened in New York. I remember being kind of scared but also unsure. “Why were this such a big deal? New York is miles away; we are safe right?” I had no idea what or how to feel.

She turned on the big box TV from the 70’s bolted to the upper right corner of the classroom, and then I understood.

Regardless of what you think about today, regardless if you think it was an inside job, terrorists, flying spaghetti monster, our government or whatever other theory is out there, people lost their lives today that didn’t have too. That’s a fact, and it still brings emotions I can’t describe.

Playlist Friday....

Throwing it back this week to the fathers of pop punk. Without these guys my life would be a lot different. I didn't pay them any attention while I was listening to blink, green day, weezer and NFG in my adolescence, but I have grown an appreciation for them now. Give this a listen on your Friday afternoon and I guarantee you can take on that 3pm wanna-take-a-nap Fever.

The American Public...Part 2...Mr. Prick

"Uh! I don't know how that got there!" He said frantically as he tried to hit any button that would close the x-rated open web-browser that read "Grandpa's Christmas Cookie.”

Author Side-note: Ew. 

I use to do freelance tech support for a small law firm. It was the best job ever, but I was working through school so anything with a paycheck seemed good enough for me. One day while making the rounds at the office one of the partners flagged me down. He was a real prick. Never said hello to me, always cut me off, especially when I was explaining things to him. He even asked me to leave the room while I was fixing his computer because “The Big Boys were talking.” He then laughed at me as I left the room with his colleagues. Once again, I can't say this enough, this guy is a prick.

"What the hell is a cloud anyway!" As his boney pointer finger digs into my chest. I ask him how I can help him and he proceeds to tell me how nobody can fix his problems. "No shit." I thought to myself. “All I need is for this-to-talk-to-this and then you can leave.” As he slams his tablet next to his desktop computer. “You got that? Are you paying attention?” Almost cutting himself off, then scoffs. I start looking through his preferences, settings, etc asking standard questions “Sir, do you know your password?” Turning to look at him. He shoots me a look like I have just murdered his family. “How? How the fuck am I suppose to remember a password, you dumb shit?” Oh, I forgot. I am a complete dickhead. It's my fault you can't remember the same password you use everyday to get into your email. My bad. This is when I notice the porn open...but hidden behind another application. And, not just any porn. The title of this erotically graphic adult adventure is 'Grandpa's Christmas Cookie.'

This prick goes on to tell me my millennial generation is a bunch of "dumb-asses" and have no respect. He then tells me I need to "get my shit together" and stop "dicking around" when he has so much work to do. Clearly, I am not the one dicking around here and I know how to push this porn, Grandpa's Christmas Cookie, to the front lobby TV. I double-click while he continues yelling at me and before you know it two tan, barely-legal spread legs topped with a Santa hat are being broadcast to the entire office. Nothing is more priceless than watching someone, especially such a fucking prick, scramble to make their dirty porn go away. He pokes the monitor - which is NOT a touch screen - presses delete and finally just shakes the monitor to make it stop. The entire office was blasted with sex as he works any combination of keys to make it all go away. I love when people forget that their desktop computer monitor isn't a touch screen.

Needless to say I didn't last long there and Mr. Prick never talked to me again. It is my hope that he learned his lesson...but probably not. People like him never do. Regardless, I think we can all agree on two things. Porn is great when you don't get caught watching it...and that guy is a prick.

-YourFriendMatt

Enjoy this post? Check out The American Public Part One here!

Hell on Earth...

I am at the Department of Motor Vehicles. This is hell.

February 3rd 2015 - It's a Tuesday morning. The DMV opens at 8 on a beautifully brisk SoCal morning. I grab my coffee-to-go mug and leave to get there by 7:30am, to be the first in line when they open. Pulling onto Colorado Ave. I see a line of people and think nothing of it. After all my local DMV is across the street from Universal Music Group, maybe there is a celebrity signing or free concert. Nope. This endless line of disgruntled zombies holding paperwork is here to get a title changed or take their drivers test. This should be fun.

They don't open for another half hour. 

This is probably my fault. I should have followed the rules, been aware of my expiring license and got it taken care up in a timely manner making a reservation. I did not do any of that and now I am paying the price. When I finally got into the building, just to get into another line, the chipper administrative officer told me I needed a reservation to take my California drivers exam and added "They next one I can schedule you for..." trailing off in silence squinting at the glow coming from his computer screen "Is late March! Wow! That's not bad at all." I stare in awe. I can't do anything but I can't be without a license for a month and a half. I beg and plead asking if there is anything else I can do and he brings me in close to tell me a secret. "The DMV in Granada Hills accepts walk-ins." He whispers "You should be able to get in and out of there quick!" I thank him for the tip and jump in the car - and expired license - to Granada Hills.

After sitting in in the other Hell on Earth Los Angeles provides to the world - The 405 - I arrive a quick hour and a half later at the next DMV and there is no place to park. Usually not a good sign. Remember how that guy at the other DMV said I should be able to get 'In and out'? Well, this is what I walked into.

5 hours, 3 different lines and a panic attack later I walked out. 5 hours. 5 hours of sitting. I had so much time on my hands I wrote this blog, downloaded the DMV App and took practices driver tests. I even called home to a few people to let them know I was still alive.

This is a tale of caution. Don't make the same mistake I did. Make a reservation for the DMV. And if someone gives you advice at the DMV punch him in the balls.

Record Store Day 2014...

...First timer in Los Angeles...

Record Store Day has come a long way from its start in 2008. I missed the first year but have proudly been participating and watching its progression (and Black Friday-eske lines grow) since 2009. This will be my first year celebrating music with strangers in a new city, Los Angeles. I am originally from Philadelphia but I look forward to meeting new friends, enthusiastically discussing releases of some of our favorite music...and quickly trying to get everything on my wish list before they do. I remember the year Jimmy Eat World put out their classic Bleed America on vinyl and getting the last copy right before the singer of Hawthorne Heights...what was he even doing there? Aren't they from Ohio? Anyway, it's a time for community, excitement and fun. I'm looking forward to seeing what this town has to offer. LA you have a lot to live up to against Repo Records in Philadelphia! 

Top 5 Picks: 

Ray Parker Jr.- Ghostbusters  (glow in the dark vinyl)

Creedence Clearwater Revival- The 1969 Singles

Haim- Forever

Mae- Destination: Beautiful

Skrillex- Recess (just cause it's on tape) 

The American Public...

“Mister! Help me!” exclaimed a short, slender, middle aged, crazy-eyed woman as she ran up to me.

I've had an extensive retail career. I could fill a book about the American Public but this one particular encounter will stick with me for a while. A few years back I was doing holiday help at a hip skate-life retailer. It was the holiday season, on a Saturday, so the store was buzzing with shoppers trying to complete their wish list and get the hell out of there as fast as they could. I took pride in my 8 hour shift of greeting people. Why not? If I am going to stand here for 8 hours and say "Hi." to people all day might as well make it fun. I was doing my greeter ninja work...because heaven forbid your micro-managing floor leads see you let someone in without saying "Hi" and letting them know about the "sale" going on...it was hectic to say the least as this woman came running in. Her hair was a blonde birds nest, her make up was smeared, wearing ripped faded jeans and a ratty, ripped 80's band t-shirt, toting ripped plastic grocery bags with her belongings in it, she smelled of bourbon and cigarette smoke. Screaming “Help!” I looked in her eyes and saw them glazed over rolling in the back of her head...I could tell this was going to be a great interaction...and I prayed she wouldn't swallow her tongue.

In a very upbeat and excited voice I say “What can I do for you today?” giving her my FULL and undivided attention. I needed to hear everything, I needed to know what was going to come out of her foam-at-the-corners mouth. “There’s something wrong with my smartphone!” she was yelling to a store full of holiday shoppers. “May I see it?” holding out my hand playing into her craziness. I examined the phone to find out that the battery wasn’t in it, it had a cracked screen and was emitting the faint smell of dog urine. During the examination of her phone she whispers to herself and then tells me she has been up for 3 days...and loves the band BuckCherry. Amazing. This couldn't be going any better. Playing into her insanity further I said “hmm, looks fine to me but if you don’t mind can you tell me what else is going wrong here?” as she responded with a snappy “Sure can!” Yes...I smiled with delight in knowing that I was about to share in the magical story of this phone and it’s owners journey...and how it ended up with me at the front of this store. 

“It’s my god-damn boyfriend!” she tells me as I nod with my hand on my chin and arm around my chest agreeing with her “He is accessing my smartphone from jail! (Of course her boyfriend is in jail is all I thought…why wouldn’t this woman have a boyfriend in jail?) He is hacking in and making me go to BOOBIE WEBSITES!” She YELLS in the front of the store as parents hide their children’s faces from her and I’s direction. Everyone in the store is slowly but surely starting to acknowledge this interaction (and I want to believe they are as excited as I am to see what’s going to happen). “Oh No…Oh Jeez…We can’t have that…” I say as she continues “Yeah! Damn right! He is making my phone go to RIDE-MY-DICK.com or something like that and I don’t want to go there!” Continuing to YELL as parents are starting to take their families from the store “I see, yeah that’s no good, we can’t have that…please...go on.” I say with assurance as she goes on  “I would never go to RIDE-MY-DICK.com!” She states with confidence as I reply with “Uh huh…continue…” “If anything I would go to EAT-MY-PUSSY.com! That’s the site I’d be on if I was searching for porn-o!” She YELLS some more and flails her arms around to help make her point…or lack there of. “Oh my my!” I say as seriously as I can muster without my cheeks turning red...or laughing uncontrollably. “Miss I am going to go talk to my manager (call the cops) and see if there is anything we can do for you, stay right here.” “That is no problems son. Let me tell you something else, don’t ever get messed up with anyone that loves cocaine.” (Where this was coming from…I have no idea…but I love it.)

I was about to leave this interaction but she sucked me right back in and my full and undivided attention was all on her…again. “Oh? Is that right?” I respond as she launches into another problem she has “Yeah you’re damn straight! I ain’t no coke addict but I have been known to do a “bump” every now and then…” (My mind is on fire, this is amazing, thank you crack woman…I never want this conversation to end) “…But these damn coke fiends…” she continues “…They just love it!” as she flails her arms some more like a prehistoric bird to make her point “I mean if I buy all the coke…shouldn’t I be able to at least BLOW A LINE?!” she flails and screams some more as I respond with “Makes sense to me…if you buy the candy bar…shouldn’t you be able to eat it?” I say definitively “My point exactly.” she agrees “I don’t want to hold you up…go see if you can do something about this phone” She dismisses me.

I thank her for her time and tell her I am going to see if there is anything I can do while rushing to the back of the store grabbing any co-worker I can. When I reach the back with some of my fellow employees I tell them the story and that this woman is still in the store. After a few minutes of rolling on the ground laughing they tell me I have to get her out before she causes anymore of a scene. I compose myself and head back to the front of the store.

“Ma’am” she turns to me and almost trips, lazily, over a parent with a stroller, “I checked with some of my co-workers and the only thing I can tell you to do is go to the police. They can file a report if you think your boyfriend is hacking into your phone.” She stares at the phone I am holding (I think…either that or her heart stopped for a minute from overdose). When she snaps back to reality from her drug daydream she blurts out “I already been to the cops! Wanna know what they said?!” “I would LOVE to hear what they had to say” I respond. “They told me to take a nap!” She then looked over her shoulder and said she had to go. Just as quickly as she came into my life she was gone. She ran out of the store and never looked back. I went back to work greeting people and prayed something else would spice up the day.

It’s the little things in life that make it worthwhile. I have no idea where she is today but I hope this woman is still out there making others as happy as she made me. She taught me something that day that I will never forget. If you buy the blow, you should be able to do a line or two.

YourFriendMatt