I recently received my Apple Watch in the mail and I am already in love with it. Judge away. I tried to explain to a friend how important my tech is to me and he elegantly looked to the sky paraphrasing the Rifelman’s Creed, “This is my watch. There are many like it, but this one is mine.” Then he gave a salute. Insanity aside, I feel this accurately depicts how I feel about my tech. I know, I know, everyone is wondering why you need it or what the hell these things actually do. I guess I am an early adopter. I have been using it as a fitness tracker, which is something I never thought I would do. I have also replied to messages, viewed emails and stayed up-to-date with news all by raising my wrist. I don't even know where my phone is right now, I am doing everything from my arm. Apple Watch is pretty friggin' awesome. But, besides all the formal things you can do with it. What about some of those informal things you can do with it? Well, here you go, these are some of the informal things I do with my watch.

New vehicle to send phallic drawings.

What is the first thing I did when I turned on my watch? Send a penis drawing to anyone I could. I don’t care, I know I am not a kid anymore, but dick and fart jokes will never get old. Period.

Taking calls in the shower.

Why not? It’s 2015, why shouldn’t I be able to take a phone call or respond to a text while exfoliating my face? This is one of the weirdest things I am getting used to. Sure, you don’t have to take your watch in the shower, but I figured screw it, I am.

Running my metronome.

This is actually pretty productive. I mean, sending a phallus to your friends for fun is great too. I recently played with my friends in Lost Sons at the House of Blues in LA (and met Dan Aykroyd!). I play to a metronome in my in-ear monitors to create a consistent set. I ran the entire show from my wrist, changing tempos with my metronome app, cleverly named Metronome from my wrist. Green sports band and everything.

As more and more of these hit the market and more and more apps hit the Watch App store I am sure we will see even more weird shit people are doing with their wearable tech. I am an app junkie and always looking for new ones. Evidently there is a spin-the-bottle watch app, another watch app to track your moles, along with a Whack-a-Mole app (your choice), and even a Magic 8 Ball watch app. Here's to the future, if you need me, you can call me...in the shower.

Will today be a good day?....Thanks Magic 8 Ball...

-YouFriendMatt

"Uh! I don't know how that got there!" He said frantically as he tried to hit any button that would close the x-rated open web-browser that read "Grandpa's Christmas Cookie.”

Author Side-note: Ew.

I use to do freelance tech support for a small law firm. It was the best job ever, but I was working through school so anything with a paycheck seemed good enough for me. One day while making the rounds at the office one of the partners flagged me down. He was a real prick. Never said hello to me, always cut me off, especially when I was explaining things to him. He even asked me to leave the room while I was fixing his computer because “The Big Boys were talking.” He then laughed at me as I left the room with his colleagues. Once again, I can't say this enough, this guy is a prick.

"What the hell is a cloud anyway!" As his boney pointer finger digs into my chest. I ask him how I can help him and he proceeds to tell me how nobody can fix his problems. "No shit." I thought to myself. “All I need is for this-to-talk-to-this and then you can leave.” As he slams his tablet next to his desktop computer. “You got that? Are you paying attention?” Almost cutting himself off, then scoffs. I start looking through his preferences, settings, etc asking standard questions “Sir, do you know your password?” Turning to look at him. He shoots me a look like I have just murdered his family. “How? How the fuck am I suppose to remember a password, you dumb shit?” Oh, I forgot. I am a complete dickhead. It's my fault you can't remember the same password you use everyday to get into your email. My bad. This is when I notice the porn open...but hidden behind another application. And, not just any porn. The title of this erotically graphic adult adventure is 'Grandpa's Christmas Cookie.'

This prick goes on to tell me my millennial generation is a bunch of "dumb-asses" and have no respect. He then tells me I need to "get my shit together" and stop "dicking around" when he has so much work to do. Clearly, I am not the one dicking around here and I know how to push this porn, Grandpa's Christmas Cookie, to the front lobby TV. I double-click while he continues yelling at me and before you know it two tan, barely-legal spread legs topped with a Santa hat are being broadcast to the entire office. Nothing is more priceless than watching someone, especially such a fucking prick, scramble to make their dirty porn go away. He pokes the monitor - which is NOT a touch screen - presses delete and finally just shakes the monitor to make it stop. The entire office was blasted with sex as he works any combination of keys to make it all go away. I love when people forget that their desktop computer monitor isn't a touch screen.

Needless to say I didn't last long there and Mr. Prick never talked to me again. It is my hope that he learned his lesson...but probably not. People like him never do. Regardless, I think we can all agree on two things. Porn is great when you don't get caught watching it...and that guy is a prick.

-YourFriendMatt

Enjoy this post? Check out The American Public Part One here!

The dumb things I do with my Apple Watch…

The American Public...Part 2...Mr. Prick